I am currently reading Provocative Therapy by Frank Farrelly, which has led me to an insight regarding abusive relationships, since the subject is fresh to me.

A most common mantra about abusive relationships is that no blame should be cast on the victim. The responsibility of an abusive situation lies solely on the perpetrator. I’d like to oppose this view and take a different stance: the victim has full responsibility for being abused.

This is nothing new.

I’d like to explain my statement further. The person who is most likely to notice and apprehend an abusive relationship is the victim. The person most likely to change an abusive relationship is the victim. Therefore it is the victim’s responsibility to acknowledge and change her abusive relationships.

I have met some people who has been victims of abuse. I have noticed one striking similarity between these people. They all have a tendency towards timidity and not speaking their minds.

Well, it is easy to claim that their personalities have been shaped by the abuse, and therefore they have become introverts. But I believe that the behaviour of not speaking one’s mind, is a prerequisite for becoming abused. It is by disregarding communication you become a victim.

The main problem is that people who are refraining their social responsiveness, do so because it has been a successful strategy. Curbing social responsiveness is usually a successful strategy for the individual, as long as they work within an friendly environment. But within an abusive relationship, nonresponsiveness is devastating.

First of all, any abuser chooses victims who don’t speak their minds. He knows that silence and timidity is cruical, since he need to lock up his victim to passivity and noncommunication. A victim who speaks her mind, will put up more of a fight, and are more likely to speak with friends, family and authorities.

Simply by being communicative you will fend off many potential threats at an early stage. For example, if your boyfriend does anything incriminating, simply announce it loudly publicly, at a moment he is present: You know what? When I tried to pick up knitting as a hobby, Steve thought it was such a bad idea, that he threw away the whole starting kit. Wasn’t that childish?

The first problem with abuse, from the victim’s perspective, is to identify the situation as abuse. The refrained persona will keep her thoughts and doubts to herself, and therefore create imperative for abusive tendencies to continue, even before she recognized them as such.

Instead, anyone who takes her own responsibility in any situation, will react to abusive tendencies. Any reaction will do. The easiest way is to say that a specific action is hurtful, and kindly ask the abuser to stop. By taking this one single responsible action, it is possible to value the intentions of any behaviour. If the other person, who has caused the hurtful action, actually does something, that person is caring about you. Otherwise he isn’t.

If a hurtful action is repeated, without any efforts from the hurting side, the responsible person will tell the other to stop. To indulge oneself in passivity and noncommunication is the irresponsible thing to do.

Finally, the responsible victim takes action. She asks other to help her, she contact the authorities if the abuser’s actions are unlawful and she gets the hell out of there.

It is the irresponsible person who falsely believes that everything will be ok. It is she who doesn’t clearly state how she feels. It is the irresponsible person who doesn’t take action and it is she who believe that he will change, other than superficially.

Therefore, if you are within an abusive relationship, it is your responsibility to change. The person who is abusing is gaining from your dysfunctional relationship and will not stop by himself.

You are responsible to seek help from other, may it be your family, may it be the police, may it be a stranger. There are lots of people willing to help victims of abuse.

So, to be perfectly clear about it: you have responsibility for your life and to make the best of it. You have responsibility to communicate with the abuser, with other people. You have the responsibility to take action and to leave him. Because nobody else can do that for you.

Take your responsibility. Change your life.