To succeed you need others to believe in you. I have found that this is the most important cause to success, yet it is often overlooked. The reason for this is probably because of the popularity to emphasize on the individual efforts as the major cause of success, since these are something the individual (who might buy self help books) can do something about.

But individual efforts mean nothing as long as nobody believes in the individual who puts in the labour.

Let me give you an example. Two sportsmen in the beginning of their career are equally good at what they do. They both go to a trainer to participate in the team he is leading. This leader believes in one of the sportsmen and not in the other. Who do you think will get more playing time? Training time? Advice?

Another example. Two persons apply for the same job. One of the persons is highly qualified for the job. The other person is a charlatan, who poses as someone qualified. Who do you think the employer will choose, given the fact that the employer believes in the charlatan? And even when the poser is discovered, do you think that the employer would go back to the highly qualified person he believed wasn’t as proficient as the poser?

A third example. Two equally bright students have the same teacher, and this teacher believes that one of them is smarter than the other. Who do you think will get more attention and help? The one the teacher believes is predisposed for learning, or the dumb one? Who will most likely get the best grade? In this case, we know for sure that the one the teacher believe is smarter will get a better grade, since this is a classic pedagogical experiment. Still we have millions upon millions of students and teachers worldwide, who believe that the single most important factor in succeeding in school is the student’s intelligence.

Some people believe that self-confidence is of importance in order to succeed. But self-confidence has minor if any effect at all on success. Rather, self-confidence is an effect of success. Think for yourself, if you observe someone you do not believe will succeed having enormous self-confidence, what would you most likely call that person? A winner? Or self-illusional?

Some people believe that the belief of others boosts that person’s self-confidence, which will make that person succeed. There are stories like: “It felt wonderful that someone finally believed in me, so I could let myself grow into my full potential”. I’m sure you have heard these stories. And I’m not saying that they are untrue. I’m saying that the effect of raised self-confidence is by no way comparable to the effects of another person actually helping the first person out.

And that is perhaps why selfconfidence is mistaken as an ability you need in order to succeed. People get self-confident when others help them. And those who get help are already halfway to success.

But this doesn’t mean that you should give up, just because nobody believes in you. Instead, take advantage of this knowledge. If you want to succeed, you need to convince people to believe in you, for them to help you out. Because everyone wants to be by the winner’s side.

I am currently reading Provocative Therapy by Frank Farrelly, which has led me to an insight regarding abusive relationships, since the subject is fresh to me.

A most common mantra about abusive relationships is that no blame should be cast on the victim. The responsibility of an abusive situation lies solely on the perpetrator. I’d like to oppose this view and take a different stance: the victim has full responsibility for being abused.

This is nothing new.

I’d like to explain my statement further. The person who is most likely to notice and apprehend an abusive relationship is the victim. The person most likely to change an abusive relationship is the victim. Therefore it is the victim’s responsibility to acknowledge and change her abusive relationships.

I have met some people who has been victims of abuse. I have noticed one striking similarity between these people. They all have a tendency towards timidity and not speaking their minds.

Well, it is easy to claim that their personalities have been shaped by the abuse, and therefore they have become introverts. But I believe that the behaviour of not speaking one’s mind, is a prerequisite for becoming abused. It is by disregarding communication you become a victim.

The main problem is that people who are refraining their social responsiveness, do so because it has been a successful strategy. Curbing social responsiveness is usually a successful strategy for the individual, as long as they work within an friendly environment. But within an abusive relationship, nonresponsiveness is devastating.

First of all, any abuser chooses victims who don’t speak their minds. He knows that silence and timidity is cruical, since he need to lock up his victim to passivity and noncommunication. A victim who speaks her mind, will put up more of a fight, and are more likely to speak with friends, family and authorities.

Simply by being communicative you will fend off many potential threats at an early stage. For example, if your boyfriend does anything incriminating, simply announce it loudly publicly, at a moment he is present: You know what? When I tried to pick up knitting as a hobby, Steve thought it was such a bad idea, that he threw away the whole starting kit. Wasn’t that childish?

The first problem with abuse, from the victim’s perspective, is to identify the situation as abuse. The refrained persona will keep her thoughts and doubts to herself, and therefore create imperative for abusive tendencies to continue, even before she recognized them as such.

Instead, anyone who takes her own responsibility in any situation, will react to abusive tendencies. Any reaction will do. The easiest way is to say that a specific action is hurtful, and kindly ask the abuser to stop. By taking this one single responsible action, it is possible to value the intentions of any behaviour. If the other person, who has caused the hurtful action, actually does something, that person is caring about you. Otherwise he isn’t.

If a hurtful action is repeated, without any efforts from the hurting side, the responsible person will tell the other to stop. To indulge oneself in passivity and noncommunication is the irresponsible thing to do.

Finally, the responsible victim takes action. She asks other to help her, she contact the authorities if the abuser’s actions are unlawful and she gets the hell out of there.

It is the irresponsible person who falsely believes that everything will be ok. It is she who doesn’t clearly state how she feels. It is the irresponsible person who doesn’t take action and it is she who believe that he will change, other than superficially.

Therefore, if you are within an abusive relationship, it is your responsibility to change. The person who is abusing is gaining from your dysfunctional relationship and will not stop by himself.

You are responsible to seek help from other, may it be your family, may it be the police, may it be a stranger. There are lots of people willing to help victims of abuse.

So, to be perfectly clear about it: you have responsibility for your life and to make the best of it. You have responsibility to communicate with the abuser, with other people. You have the responsibility to take action and to leave him. Because nobody else can do that for you.

Take your responsibility. Change your life.

Let me introduce a new method for restructuring yourself to whatever you want to be. It is flexible and simple. You can start immediately and you can use the method in many different way, depending on what you want to accomplish.

Do this:

1. Open a document on a computer. You may use pen and paper if you want, but since you will restructure your document continually, it will get messy.
2. Whenever you come upon something, which may richen your life in some kind of way, write down the essence, the sentence or paragraph you have read or heard.
3. Read your document as often as possible.
4. If you want to erase something in the document, do so.
5. If you want to change something in the document, do so.
6. Thats it.

The meaning of this method is to influence yourself towards whatever change you want to impose on yourself. If you have read some books in your life, you might have noticed that these books actually have changed the way you perceive and interact with the rest of the world.

You might also have noticed that you forget things. Sometimes your read about something that gives the spot-on explanation to how you should make your life better. Then, while you are reading other books, you forget this thing. Until you read that book again, or maybe another book which covers the same principle.

This very method helps you to repeat to yourself whatever insights you find necessary for living life the best way you possibly can.

Whatever you put into the method, and repeat to yourself is up to you and what you read. But with this method you have a tool to influence yourself toward whatever you want to be. What you repeat, will influence you. Therefore it is up to you to choose who you want to be.

Test this method, and find out what it can do for you. It may well change your life.

So, you want to be a writer?

So, you want to have written, but you don’t want to write?

So, you are thinking of how to respond delicatly in your favourite tv show, but you haven’t written your first book yet?

So, you want to write so badly, that you cannot think of anything else, but you don’t know what to write about?

So, you want to earn loads of money by writing?

So, you want to earn your living by writing?

So, you want to keep your social life, while writing?

So, you are thinking more about writing than you are actually writing?

So, you want to write a novel?

So, you are reading this instead of writing?

So, you are watching youtube videos instead of writing?

Give up.

I have done it, time after time. And it is always fantastically relieving.

I’d do it again if I could.

Give up. I promise you. It would be the best decision of your life.

Have you ever wondered about inspiration to write? I have had my thoughts on the subject, since I’ve had writer’s block for about twenty years. And I have found out that there is a huge misconception regarding the subject.

There are two main opposing views regarding inspiration.

There are inspirationalists, which have the belief that you must be inspired to write. They are either waiting for their inspiration to come or using different methods to muster their inspiration, before thay start writing.

Then, there are rationalists. Their favourite quote is that writing is 5% inspiration and 95% transpiration. Simply put, they believe that you write first, and that the inspiration will fall on you during writing.

There is a chasm between these two groups which never will be filled. The inspirationalists call imperiously that they must have inspiration to write. The rationalists snicker to themselves and replies that no real author can wait for inspiration, and need to get the job done day after day.

It is easy to fall to inspirationalism when you get stuck. But waiting for inspiration is a bad idea. The rationalists seem to be right, since you need to put in a lot of hour to complete any longer text. Waiting has never written any text.

Though, the rationalists are not right. They are simply people who are lucky or ignorant enough to be blessed from writer’s block.

The thing that both inspirationalists and rationalists miss, is the fact that writing is reactive.

No text exists in pure vacuum. No thought comes from nowhere. Writing, as well as talking, is a communicative process, which derives from outer sources.

The huge misconception of our time is that inspiration comes from nowhere. It’s the genial mind which creates genial texts. This is total crap.

Texts are always a reaction to something essential in real life. If a text is not anchored to real life in any kind of way, not even a metaphorical way, then the text is crap.

The stronger the bond is between real life and any text, the stronger the text is. And I mean this in a das ding an mich kind of way. When the world view in a text is fathomable and acceptable to me as a reader, then I can grasp, understand and even appreciate the text.

When we take this piece of information, and combine it with inspiration and the lack of it, a new picture emerges.

Inspiration is reaction.

We get inspired by things outside of ourselves. Anything might trigger our imagination or cognitive process. If this thing is strong enough, we can write for as long as we want to write. We can rewrite over and over again, until a text is done.

If we don’t have anything to react to, we are completely empty. Try to write in a completely empty state of mind, and you will see your efforts turn to crap. Literally. You will write profound shit.

I know, because I have written profound shit for twenty years. Almost everything have been crap. And the reason for this, is that I have had the misconception of the artist as the Great Creator. And sadly enough, I have been wrong.

So, writer’s block exists, to the contrary to what the most stubborn rationalists tell you. But you can never outwait writer’s block. On the other hand, you may well find inspiration anywhere. In the real world that is. As you perceive it.

You can find inspiration anywhere outside yourself. You must find inspiration somewhere outside yourself. If you search for inspiration inside yourself, the only center you might arrive to will be your navel.

Therefore, get your inspiration from the real world. Get your inspiration from your view of the real world. Then, tell us.

Today I have opened up the gates for my new site. This is torbjornperttu.com.

On this site I will publish texts of general interest for a worldwide public. As on torbjornperttu.se there will be a wide variety of topics. The core will be that the texts are products of my mind and my thoughts.

Happy reading!